phle·bot·o·my/fləˈbätÉ™mÄ“/ Noun: The surgical opening or puncture of a vein in order to withdraw blood or
introduce a fluid, or (historically) as part of the procedure..

Have you ever had trouble getting blood drawn? If you haven't, I can assure you, it is a very traumatic experience. So this past Monday was a typical day for me. A little on the chilly side, so I had some decaf coffee in the morning to get me warm (I am doing my best to avoid caffeine). I knew that I was going to get my blood drawn after work, though, so I still tried to drink extra water that day.
So I arrive at the lab, and they take me back. As always, I warn them that my veins are hard to find. I don't know that they believe me... So first, the gentleman ties the tourniquet and makes an attempt to draw from my right arm. He tells me to pump my fists. To relax. To move my arm just right. Now he's jimmying the needle inside my arm, trying to find the elusive vein that he swore he'd felt. Oh. my. goodness. Pain.
Feeling a little uneasy about me, he calls for the Top Dog on duty. Oh, it's the lady I recognize! Good. She can surely do it. She cheerfully hands me a roll of gauze tape to squeeze and says, "We'll get it - no problem! Relax." Ok, right. Relax.
She decides to try the left arm. Oh, she feels the vein immediately! Good. Relief. She pops that needle in with a confident smile, and after a little fiddling that I feel but don't have the emotional strength to actually look at, I hear her say, "Hmm, now where did that vein go? I know I felt it." Holy mackerel. Pain.
Finally, I gather the strength to look. There's a smidgen of blood. But not much.
Is it over already?
Nope. Breathe, Ruth. Breathe.
Finally, she says to me with a shake of her head, "This arm is a no-go. Hmm, let's see what else we can find." She holds my arms, and I allow them to flop in front of her. The top side. The soft, tender side.
"Aha," she says. "We'll try this one," pointing to a shadow of a vein I see on the soft, tender underside of my forearm. Ok, lady. She hands me a warmer, and I place it on my arm for a few minutes. All the while I'm flexing my arm like crazy. Third time's the charm, right?
Finally, she sticks me in that soft, tender spot. Man, that hurts a lot more than the crux of the arm. Trying not to be bothered by the feel of the needle searching inside my arm for that vein she knew she had, I concentrate on breathing and focus intently on the elderly man in front of me who is also getting his blood drawn. I look at his arms and hands. There are veins all over him. He's easy pickins. Why, Lord? The injustice!
I hear the lady sigh. She says, 'Ruth, I don't think we're going to be able to do it today." She takes the needle out, covers the spot with a cotton ball and tapes it on my arm.
Come back another day, she says. When I'm not so cold. When I'm more hydrated.
What? I've never not been a successful phlebotomy patient. I'm a failure!
So upset, the next day I do some research online. I type in, "how to make getting blood drawn easier."
The responses were:
- Be water-logged. Hold the potty break until after you've gotten blood drawn. Just. Hold. It. You can't afford to lose the extra liquid.
- Don't drink caffeine. It constricts your veins.
- Be warm. Wear a hoody. Lots of layers. Run around the parking lot beforehand.
- Lift weights. It will permanently make you a person with bulging veins.
- Sorry, you're just out of luck.
I'm slightly scarred.