Blessed Streams

I love to read. I have noticed, however, how hard it is to fit reading into my life in this season. And yet, I keep coming back to this devotional Streams in the Desert. Have you read it? If you haven't, I highly recommend it. 

Especially if you are in a desert season. If the Lord seems silent. If you wonder why He doesn't seem to be answering your prayers. If the road just seems to get harder, and there are no easy answers to the problems you are facing.

I highly recommend this book if you're looking for encouragement. The Lord has met me where I am more times than I can count as I've sat down and read the daily reading.

You can find the daily reading online here and here.

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A poem from Streams in the Desert, November 18

Blessed is he whose faith is not offended,
When all around his way
The power of God is working out deliverance
For others day by day;

Though in some prison drear his own soul languish,

Till life itself be spent,
Yet still can trust his Father’s love and purpose,
And rest therein content.

Blessed is he, who through long years of suffering,
Cut off from active toil,
Still shares by prayer and praise the work of others,
And thus “divides the spoil.”

Blessed are thou, O child of God, who sufferest,
And canst not understand
The reason for thy pain, yet gladly leavest
Thy life in His blest Hand.

Yea, blessed art thou whose faith is “not offended”
By trials unexplained,
By mysteries unsolved, past understanding,
Until the goal is gained.

 –Freda Hanbury Allen

this too shall pass

the only way it is possible to get through a season sometimes is the knowledge that it will not last forever. isn't that so encouraging? no matter how challenging the situation may be, it is wonderfully encouraging to know that it will end. i guess it would be unfair, however, to ignore the other side: good times must end as well as the hard times. and the Lord is the One who appoints each season's beginning and end.

college was always nice, because struggles would often begin and end with semesters. oh, the stress of exams! balancing lunch dates, bible studies, working out and, oh yeah, schoolwork - it built that wonderful gift called good time management. but the stresses would often end right around may and december and all those cares and worries would dissipate right into wonderful times lounging at home with family.

since college i've noticed that seasons last a little longer than they used to. their start and end dates are a bit more nebulous and entirely dependent upon the Lord. and much of those seasons, i've also noticed, i spend stressing about what exactly the Lord is doing. but the other morning i was reading in ecclesiastes, and i came upon the very well-known passage of Scripture (eccl. 3:1-8):

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

i'm so glad the Lord holds all times and seasons in His hands. but right now, i'm so thankful that spring is the next season. :) happy spring, everyone!

resting. trusting. moving & not stopping.

I find that the most common question Jody and I are getting as of late is 'How are you doing?' The oh-so-unkind retort jumps up in my throat, 'Well, how do you think we're doing?' but thankfully, I am able to bite those words back and respond sweetly, 'We're hanging in there.' Which, I guess, is true. We're. hanging. on. Sometimes it feels like it's only by a thread. But we are hanging on.

Grief is a nasty thing, I've decided. Sometimes you're actually doing okay, and then BAM, it hits you again. Hurtful words come out. An emotional sob fest. In my case, a fever blister. Of course it would be a fever blister. The inevitable physical manifestation that my body is screaming: YOU ARE STRESSED TO THE MAX.

And it is true. I have been so stressed out, especially in the season that Jody was in Texas and I remained here. The stress of having to "soldier on" while I knew all that was going on with Brad. Then to hear the news that he had passed away. Stressing about stupid things like, "Who's going to watch Eu-mi when I have to go down for the funeral?" (At least now I know when I'm stressed, I worry about insignificant things because they are more manageable than the enormous STRESS monster that is swallowing me whole.) Then the stress of the funeral and the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again. Ever. There will be a new normal, and until it becomes normal, it's just new. And stressful.

And then, yesterday morning during my quiet time, I read 1 John, chapter 4, verse 18.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

And it hit me. I am afraid. I have given the enemy a foothold in my life about all the uncertain things in my world, and I am afraid.

What jumped out at me the most from this verse was the revelation that if I am afraid, I have not been made perfect in love. I have not allowed the love of God to rule and reign in my life as of late, and the result truly has been 'torment'. In tough times such as now it is a true testing of my faith in the keeping, sustaining love of God for me and for Jody. Brad's passing has honestly been the last straw in a series of stressful life circumstances over the course of the past few years, and we're exhausted. At times I just feel numb. Does God love me? Of course He does. Do I believe it? Some days more than others. Right now? Well, I'm supposed to say 'yes', but honestly I'm just so exhausted I don't know which way is up.

And I've noticed that when I'm exhausted and worn thin, the tendency is for me to stress and no longer operate on the offensive. I become defensive and only in my lucid (translate: non-emotional) moments, I have to tell myself to constantly be on my guard against the terrible 'victim mentality', against the 'woe is me' self-pity attack, and against fear because I am trapped in a situation where I have "lost" control.

As I confess this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my mom years ago. I had just graduated college and was applying for jobs everywhere. It seemed like no doors were opening, and I was so frustrated, discouraged and confused. Mom, in her wonderful wisdom, told me, 'Ruth, just keep moving. Just don't stop and get stuck in a rut. Keep moving, keep trusting in the Lord, keep praying, and the Lord will make a way.' Oh so simple. And oh so true.

So I am going to keep moving. I'm not going to get stuck in a rut. I will keep trusting the Lord is good. I will keep moving. And I am asking the Lord for the help to fully rest in His love.

Because, honestly, I'm sick and tired already of this fever blister. And of everyone thinking I've got frosting on my lip, staring at me, averting their eyes quickly and then that moment of insecurity where I can totally read their thoughts ('Do I say something? Do I just ignore it?' Ha ha!)... Just FYI: It's Abreva, and it numbs the pain on my lip.

Deeply Rooted... and Letting Go...

As I step outside of myself and look at this season in my life, I can see that God is up to something... something big... inside of me.

When Jody and I left Korea two years ago, we launched out in faith, trusting that God had something big for us. We left our jobs, breaking our contracts at our English schools, sending boxes to Virginia and boxes to Texas, telling everyone that Jody was going to Denver Seminary. He hadn't even applied yet!! We said good-bye to our wonderful friends in Korea. We lived with my family in Virginia for 2 months, cleaning out my grandmother's home and catching up with the Clementson family. Then we flew to Texas, where we spent time with the Been family, helped the Andrews' family move and waited for the spring semester to start.

We truly had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. If we had, I'm sure we probably wouldn't have launched out into the unknown. Seminary and life in Colorado has definitely been a journey. It has taken us to three different "homes", drained our hefty bank account of everything (and then some), forced us to our knees, challenged our marriage and forced us to pay more attention to our health than we have ever before.

Jody has physically gotten hurt in the past two years than ever before. First it was his knee, then it was his shoulder, then his finger. Recently it has been his ribs. Why? I have absolutely no idea.

I have also had a myriad of health issues. One has been the discovery of hypothyroidism. Apparently it is something Grandma Etta had, as well as something both Grammy and Grandy struggle with. So, it's genetic. But beyond that, I discovered the type of hypothyroidism that I struggle with is called 'Hashimoto's thyroiditis'. What the heck is that, you ask? Well, it basically means my immune system has turned on my thyroid gland and - not recognizing it - attacks. What is the real kicker is this: since the thyroid is under attack, it is inflamed. Well, there's this nerve called the laryngeal nerve that is wrapped around the thyroid gland, and when the thyroid is inflamed, it pinches that nerve... thus causing chronic laryngitis. Let me tell you, when I found this out, there was much rejoicing. Now I know why I have struggled with this issue for so long. God is truly good. In the midst of the struggle, God is good. I have also discovered that my hormones are all out of whack, which - for a woman - is a VERY big issue. :) It has launched me on a journey of discovery about myself, my body and my faith in God.

Through it all, I feel like the Lord is working in me in the area of control. I think I have a problem with it. I don't like not having control of my life. I have always been a hard worker, and I think I always thought that if I work hard enough, do everything just right, A plus B will always equal C. But it's not always working out that way.

And so, I'm having to let go. I'm having to trust that God is good. I'm having to praise Him and let go and trust that His love is more than enough to sustain me no matter what. It is in times like these that Jesus Culture's song 'Your Love Never Fails' is especially true. I hope it leads you to the throne room like it does for me.

Your Love Never Fails

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good

.personal renewal in Jesus.

once again the house is quiet, and i can think enough to sit down and write. yesterday was good friday, and tomorrow christians all over the world will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. i must say that this year has been a different experience than past celebrations of this wonderful holiday. why? you ask... i have been asking myself this very same question, and after much contemplation, i believe the reason i am so thankful for easter, is because i have a new and greater understanding of my own sinfulness.

at our church i have met many people who have come to the Lord later in life. they grew up without a relationship with the Lord, and after making mess after mess, these people came to the Lord with an obvious awareness of their depravity and their incredible need for the Lord. i, however, came to Jesus as a child. this, i have found, is both a privilege and a challenge. the advantage to this kind of upbringing is that i have been walking with the Lord a long time, and i have seen His hand in me and through me over many, many years (though i am still young). the disadvantage is, i have found, that i can often hold my salvation in contempt. i grow callous to my own sin. i rationalize how my sin isn't as bad as others. spiritual pride isn't as bad as lust. condemnation and arrogance aren't as odious as rebellion and stubbornness. and the list could go on and on.

this past year has been a very humbling experience for me, as seminary has strained our finances and my own faith in the Lord's provision. jody and i have had to work on our communication and ask for forgiveness often - more often than i would have ever imagined. neither of us is close to family, and as i've mentioned before, establishing new friendships is hard work and can be frustrating and discouraging. i think through what i've noticed through all of these struggles is that i can no longer make excuses for my own sin. i am less inclined to want to make excuses for it, or give sin a fancier or more spiritual-sounding name. my sin is just downright ugly and it's just as ugly as others' sin.

so i confess that it is with great joy and humility that i come to the Cross and the Tomb this easter... more so than ever before. i NEED the Cross. i see my need greater and great. without it i am hopelessly lost, and i cling to it with gratitude and a changed heart.

truly, i am a sinner, and i serve a great, great Savior. thank You, Lord for being obedient, even to death on the cross (philippians 2,8).

happy resurrection weekend!

When I survey the wondrous cross

On which the Prince of glory died,

My richest gain I count but loss,

And pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,

Save in the death of Christ my God!

All the vain things that charm me most,

I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,

Sorrow and love flow mingled down!

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

His dying crimson, like a robe,

Spreads o’er His body on the tree;

Then I am dead to all the globe,

And all the globe is dead to me.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,

That were a present far too small;

Love so amazing, so divine,

Demands my soul, my life, my all.

settling in to 2010

with some warm peppermint tea nearby, i wanted to settle in a bit and write a blog. it's been a while. how are you, friend? i feel like it's been a long time since i have been able to catch up with those i love, and i just wanted to say, 'i miss you.' we should catch up sometime. call me! or i'll call you.... probably around 4:15 MST during the week, because that's when i'm driving home from work and i have some time to say hello. :)

january 2010 is here... and i am realizing the month is well over half-way done. how can that be? it was just the new year! so now i am stopping to write before another day passes and we're already into 2011. to those i love, happy new year. i pray it is a good year for you and that God reveals His great love for you in a new and deeper way this year.

as i take stock of what this year holds, i confess my greatest joy is that 2010 is NOT 2009. is that bad? should i feel guilty for being so glad a season is OVER?! when i look back on last year, there are so many wonderful things that happened. jody and i settled in colorado, we got a puppy that we love dearly, (and want to strangle occasionally) and jody was able to successfully complete half of his master's degree at denver seminary. we found a wonderful church, where we are getting involved in and jody has developed great friendships with his mentors. at various points in the past year we were able to spend several days exploring the mountains and seeing how amazing our God is in beautiful creation.

and then there is the big 'HOWEVER'. i will also not lie. it has been a trying year. a year of laying foundations. and laying foundations is always hard, because there is no shortcut. there is no way to speed up the process. getting settled and acclimated to the workload that seminary requires takes time. finding the right church to settle into, join and start serving in takes time and much prayer. finding a job in this economy takes much prayer, faith and time. and making lasting friends (and discerning who best to invest time in) takes prayer, time and great faith! so when i look back on 2009, it was a year that took great faith and time.

this morning as i was reading in ecclesiastes, i was meditating on the fact that there is a time and season for everything. and thankfully, seasons come and go. as much as change is hard for me, and i dread sitting in a season that seems to be in flux, i take comfort that 'this too shall pass'. God is on the throne, and this season will not last forever. i especially felt that when jody completed this past semester. when that last exam was taken and final grades started coming in, i felt a release in my heart. i felt like a major milestone had been accomplished. last year was tough and required a lot of putting out without a lot of receiving. but that's what a foundation is. and it is laid with the expectation that in due season it will reap a harvest.

i don't know what 2010 holds, but i am full of hope and praying that God brings joy. i need joy in this season. so that is my prayer. God, give me joy in the midst of this season in my life, and help me to be faithful in laying the foundation You are calling me to. I do pray that, in due season, Jody and I will reap a harvest that brings You glory. Amen.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3, 1-8

awww... how cute...

see.. it's not just jody and me. :) thank you, lauren. i couldn't resist.. it was just too good.

i want to honor my friend karen! she is a college friend (christa's roommate - see 2 previous postings). i admire and honor karen for her servant's heart. she is currently serving catholic campus ministries at william & mary and working on her master's. karen's heart beats for people and serving them in very practical ways. i would also like to comment that this quiet, unassuming girl always pulls out the most ridiculous behaviors.... like, "so christa, where's karen? i haven't seen her in a few days." - "oh, she's gone on a cruise to portugal." - "WHAT?! and she didn't tell us?!" - and "hey, where's karen this weekend?" - "uhh, she went to help the katrina victims this weekend." -"UHHHH... wow. when did she decide to do THAT?!" so yeah, karen's pretty amazing. i love her. praise God for people like karen who love Him and serve people in practical ways.

and now i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the passing of one month and the beginning of another! i was reading in ecclesiastes, where it says, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven... He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts..." (ecclesiastes 3:1,11a), and i have been thinking about this season in my life. it has a purpose - an eternal purpose. year 2 for me in korea. meeting jody. agreeing to marry him. preparing for marriage in practical and personal ways. this bout of laryngitis. preparing for the wedding. preparing to go to europe in september. preparing to return to korea for another year. having few clear answers. only the promise that the Lord is going to take care of us and sustain us. not just desiring to, but actively seeking to make decisions that are pleasing to God as we lay a foundation for serving Him wherever He wants.

i praise God amidst these challenges. i pray He is molding me and making me more like His Son through this season.

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (matthew 6,31-34)

still resting...
it has been almost a month since i lost my voice, and i am glad to say it is getting better... however slowly. to those who are praying for me, i want to thank you. i am finally feeling more peace about the situation and i know the Lord will heal me when He decides this season is complete. after wracking my brain for every possible reason why and what i can do to get better, i am finally resting my heart. God knows and He's in control. i have been able to do a lot that i would never have been able to do if i had been working - like making dinner in time when jody gets off work. it's so much fun... and with a little oven our cooking possibilities are endless!! :) this picture was of our taco dinner. YUM!


i finished reading in the presence of my enemies, by gracia burnham - the bestselling book about the american missionaries who were kidnapped by the abu sayyaf (a terrorist group associated with bin laden) in 2001-02. the book is excellent and i recommend it. one of my friends here in korea - john - is gracia burnham's nephew. small world, huh? thinking of how they spent that year in the jungles just trying to stay alive, i am humbled and reminded that i am called first to love Jesus and trust that He's in control.

weather: MUCH WARMER! spring has arrived - truly. and jody gave me these beautiful tulips. :) i love tulips.


brittany sent a care package.... and it has a HOODIE, a shirt, chocolate, hand sanitizer, and - get this - a bridal magazine. LOOOOOOOOOOL. i had to laugh- can't avoid the bridezilla mentality halfway around the world. still, i am so happy and so thankful for brittany's kindness. thank you, my friend!

and i just wanted to post the following picture because it's HILARIOUS. our friends john and sarah captured this picture one sunday at church. this is how korean babies respond to us. LITERALLY. we are like monsters to them. it's pretty depressing. poor jody. i console him with the knowledge that it's not just him- it seems to be all white people.