The Been Briefing

resting. trusting. moving & not stopping.

I find that the most common question Jody and I are getting as of late is 'How are you doing?' The oh-so-unkind retort jumps up in my throat, 'Well, how do you think we're doing?' but thankfully, I am able to bite those words back and respond sweetly, 'We're hanging in there.' Which, I guess, is true. We're. hanging. on. Sometimes it feels like it's only by a thread. But we are hanging on.

Grief is a nasty thing, I've decided. Sometimes you're actually doing okay, and then BAM, it hits you again. Hurtful words come out. An emotional sob fest. In my case, a fever blister. Of course it would be a fever blister. The inevitable physical manifestation that my body is screaming: YOU ARE STRESSED TO THE MAX.

And it is true. I have been so stressed out, especially in the season that Jody was in Texas and I remained here. The stress of having to "soldier on" while I knew all that was going on with Brad. Then to hear the news that he had passed away. Stressing about stupid things like, "Who's going to watch Eu-mi when I have to go down for the funeral?" (At least now I know when I'm stressed, I worry about insignificant things because they are more manageable than the enormous STRESS monster that is swallowing me whole.) Then the stress of the funeral and the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again. Ever. There will be a new normal, and until it becomes normal, it's just new. And stressful.

And then, yesterday morning during my quiet time, I read 1 John, chapter 4, verse 18.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

And it hit me. I am afraid. I have given the enemy a foothold in my life about all the uncertain things in my world, and I am afraid.

What jumped out at me the most from this verse was the revelation that if I am afraid, I have not been made perfect in love. I have not allowed the love of God to rule and reign in my life as of late, and the result truly has been 'torment'. In tough times such as now it is a true testing of my faith in the keeping, sustaining love of God for me and for Jody. Brad's passing has honestly been the last straw in a series of stressful life circumstances over the course of the past few years, and we're exhausted. At times I just feel numb. Does God love me? Of course He does. Do I believe it? Some days more than others. Right now? Well, I'm supposed to say 'yes', but honestly I'm just so exhausted I don't know which way is up.

And I've noticed that when I'm exhausted and worn thin, the tendency is for me to stress and no longer operate on the offensive. I become defensive and only in my lucid (translate: non-emotional) moments, I have to tell myself to constantly be on my guard against the terrible 'victim mentality', against the 'woe is me' self-pity attack, and against fear because I am trapped in a situation where I have "lost" control.

As I confess this, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my mom years ago. I had just graduated college and was applying for jobs everywhere. It seemed like no doors were opening, and I was so frustrated, discouraged and confused. Mom, in her wonderful wisdom, told me, 'Ruth, just keep moving. Just don't stop and get stuck in a rut. Keep moving, keep trusting in the Lord, keep praying, and the Lord will make a way.' Oh so simple. And oh so true.

So I am going to keep moving. I'm not going to get stuck in a rut. I will keep trusting the Lord is good. I will keep moving. And I am asking the Lord for the help to fully rest in His love.

Because, honestly, I'm sick and tired already of this fever blister. And of everyone thinking I've got frosting on my lip, staring at me, averting their eyes quickly and then that moment of insecurity where I can totally read their thoughts ('Do I say something? Do I just ignore it?' Ha ha!)... Just FYI: It's Abreva, and it numbs the pain on my lip.